Parallax - Surgery Without Sutures.

how many seconds left?
how many years?
how long remains until everything I’ve known
everything I’ve loved
anyone I’ve touched disappears?

there will come a day when the world will never have known
this face
this name
this body
this brain

is it any surprise that sometimes I am short of breath
that I find solace in being alone
where safe and protected with armor selected to deflect the world and to maintain control
I can lay quiet and restrained
immobilized by a threat that won’t fade…

self contained self aware self absorbed self perservere
individuate to survive then isolate - try to stay alive at any cost
lost and terrified - ignoring the heart and killing the mind
unable to find real peace inside
tattoo this body and tear apart my brain
diminish the strain in any possible way
its safer to retract than act
protect intact
suppress reaction
embrace inaction
protect and defend 
but still ignore the end…

i lie to myself vitally
i lie to myself
its all lies

trying to convince myself that its okay that almost having everything 
meant that I never had anything at all
but i know my eyes reflect the truth
every moment counts me closer to zero and I am desperate
desperate to hold life in an embrace instead of at arms reach
I am recast and adapted by all those around me
shifted and molded into someone and something I no longer recognize 
I feel linked yet alone
regret like ice piercing me
convulsions from imagining what could have been
but regardless of every hand that slips away forever

I am hoping someday to hear whispered these words in my hour of deepest pain:
You are very much so alive - In a way most people would never let themselves be 

with every beat of this slowly dying heart

to make the choice
to be set free
to be here
to be with you
to be afraid
to be ignored
to be embraced
to be unsure
to be erased
to be touched
to be shared
to be damned
to be scared
to be shunned
to be absorbed
to be wanted
absolved
unloved
to be unknown
to be inescapable
to be in awe
to want it all
to have it now
to be alive